A Damaged Thalamus
by bluej4y
Summary: What's the difference between reality and fantasy? Reality is something we can't escape no matter what we delude ourselves with, and fantasy is the imitation of reality. Luckily, we can separate these worlds with ease and live normal lives, but unfortunately for Shikamaru...


Authors note: contains rape, and drugs. Please don't read if easily susceptible, or if you drink Danimals.

 **Age 9**

Shikamaru and Choji were playing in Choji's room. Both their parents were downstairs having a little party, talking about stories and drinking the night away, while the kids were separated into a master bedroom to avoid their various drunken antics.

However, once ensued in alcohol, the adults leave the children with nothing to do in a big empty room.

Shikamaru jumped on Choji's bed and said, "Mr. Evil will win because I say so."

Shikamaru and Choji were still in their elementary school uniform due to it being Friday and they were both done with school for the week.

They both had homework, but neither of them were going to do it that night. Ino would, but in the quiet of her friend Sakura's home since she's having a sleepover with other girls.

Choji grabbed Shikamaru's legs knocking his entire body down into the bed testing the springs and said, "No! Mr. Good will defeat your plans. And you'll suffer defeat once again."

Shikamaru quickly got up and leapt onto Choji knocking them both into the wooden floor.

"Ouch," said Choji.

"Are you ok?" Shikamaru asked rubbing his red arm. He then extended it to pick up Choji's body.

"Yeah," said Choji getting up from the hard floor, "But that wasn't very nice! Let's just skip to the capture, I'll get my jump rope."

It was a childish game Choji and Shikamaru played to kill time. One would be the good guy and the other would be the bad guy like in the tv shows. They would wrestle until one got hurt or until it dragged on too long. And then they would do the final scene where the good guy kills the bad guy after taking him to jail.

Choji and Shikamaru sat for a while until Shikamaru said, "Sorry."

Choji smiled and said, "It's okay, but one of the rules is to not hurt each other. And you broke that rule."

"I'm sorry. Do you still want to keep on playing?"

Choji picked up a white jump rope from the floor and began tying Shikamaru up. Inexperienced however, Choji tied Shikamaru a little too tightly. As Shikamaru struggled against the bind, he strenuously said, "Hey Choji, this is pretty tight, it's starting to hurt."

Choji saw the rope giving Shikamaru red marks, so he tried to untie it, but sadly to no avail. Shikamaru tried standing up, but tripped and fell onto his stomach. Grunting in pain, Choji finally reacted and rushed up to Shikamaru turning him over. Choji looked at Shikamaru as he began breathing hard at the insufferable pain and was at the verge of tears on the floor. It was abundantly clear, that Shikamaru was extremely bothered by the rope and pain from falling down on the wooden floor. With a pink face, and tears starting to form, Shikamaru said, "Choji, untie me already."

Choji looked at Shikamaru and said, "Hey...I'm adding a new rule to our game."

But before Shikamaru could ask what was the new rule, he felt Choji's lips on his while a hand began pulling down the zipper of his shorts.

 **Age 12**

Shikamaru kept to the shadows. Literally and metaphorically. Whenever it was lunchtime, he would sit in the corner and put his head down ignoring everyone. When he would get called in class, he wouldn't respond and get sent to detention. In group projects he would stick to himself or not talk to the group at all. And in any other form of free time would be spent under a tree by himself, or in a library in the corner.

His parents and teachers concluded that Shikamaru was being apathetic and rebelling. But Shikamaru would have bouts where he completely shut himself off from the world. The unforgettable event would constantly replay over and over again in his head and he could never block it out.

At least not without the delusions.

He was like this until one day he saw Choji walk by his classroom. Choji held eye contact with him for a few seconds until another girl caught up with him and they both walked away talking animatedly.

Shikamaru immediately went into the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror. The bell rang and the other middle school students began walking out, but he didn't care. He stayed there until he started talking to himself out loud.

"He's with another girl. Or...rather, he's with a girl."

"There's nothing wrong with him being with another...with a girl. That's normal for a guy. But that's a problem because he isn't normal. It's disgusting that he's pretending to be so normal, isn't it? Isn't it!? I know he couldn't have moved on from that. He's sick..."

Shikamaru began perspiring.

"I'm not normal because of him. He turned me into a girl that night. He fucking made me feel like a girl! What gave him that fucking right?! I didn't want..."

Shikamaru began breathing heavily with a scowl prominently on his brow, "So I guess that makes you a girl now. So you should act the part, it'll be easier for everyone. You should put on pretty jewelry, grow out your hair, vie for guys! Why not? You're a girl now right?! It's not like you resisted, so you must've liked feeling like a girl right!?"

Shikamaru was breathing too hard, he thought he would hyperventilate. He felt beads of sweat form on his forehead and felt his eyes sting but kept talking, "Why do you want to be a girl so badly? Why don't you wanna stay as Shikamaru? Do you want his attention again? That if you looked like that girl he was with earlier, you'd be good enough for him? Did you want the feeling of him flipping you over and having his hard..."

At this Shikamaru threw up his lunch in the sink. He gagged as a piece of bread was stuck in his throat. His entire body was shaking as it slowly began to feel cold. His eyes watered and stinged, but he didn't cry. He wouldn't cry like he did when he was nine and saw blood on the wooden floor. He threw up again thinking about that night. Throwing up hurts.

 **Age 15**

Shikamaru was at his lowest. He grew out a ponytail, pierced his ears behind his mother's back, didn't do any of the assigned homework, skipped classes, smoked with a bad group of punks, and slept in school. The nonconformist.

Naruto passed Shikamaru a rolled up piece of sheet paper with weed inside and said, "Hey, Yumi-chan was asking about you the other day. I think she might like you."

Shikamaru flicked the lighter and inhaled as much as he could, held his breath and slowly breathed it out saying, "Girls are troublesome. I'd rather avoid her for as long as I can. Besides, Yumi isn't my type."

Shikamaru passed his blunt to Gaara as Naruto said, "So what? Are you gay or something like Sai here?"

Sai only smiled and said, "I'm going to kick you in the balls one day."

Naruto laughed and said, "There you go again, talking about balls again. I'd let you suck them if that's your true goal. There not shaved, but that doesn't bother someone as desperate as you, right?"

As Sai starting inhaling the blunt, Gaara said, "Lay of Sai, you know he's autistic or some shit."

Sai passed the blunt back to Naruto and said, "That's rich coming from you. You and Shikamaru are the only people I've ever seen never talking with anyone else. You two always keep to yourself quietly. Sometimes, I forget you two are even here."

Shikamaru scoffed and coughed a little out of breath, "What about you? You're as bad as us if not worse."

Sai thought for a moment and said, "Hey Naruto, are you still trying to fuck Sakura-chan?"

Naruto passed the blunt to Shikamaru and said holding his breath, "...yeah...why?"

"Bring me next time. I think I want to fuck Ino."

Gaara smirked, "Everyone wants to fuck Ino, what makes you so special? You're a loser like us after all."

Sai gave that fake smile and said, "I'll get laid. Trust me."

Shikamaru passed what was left to Gaara and Naruto said, "What about you Shikamaru? Don't you wanna get laid? Or is it that you can't?"

Aggravated, Shikamaru said, "You're killing my high idiot. I don't care about any of this. I'm getting a headache just thinking about how annoying you guys are."

"Geez, sorry I asked. What about you Gaara?"

"Exactly what Shikamaru said," Gaara said giving the last of the weed to Sai and taking out a bag of pills from his backpack with glossy pink eyes engulfing his blue pupils.

 **Age 17**

Gaara was walking home with Shikamaru who was nursing a black swollen eye and they walked in silence for a while until Gaara said, "Are you sure running away from home is what you want?"

"Yeah..."

They continued walking in silence for a while until Gaara spoke up again saying, "Are you mad Sai fucked Ino?"

"No. I haven't talked to Ino since middle school. It's for the best, she shouldn't be friends with guys like me even if our dads are friends."

"What about Choji?"

"What about Choji."

"Aren't both of your dad's friends also? Choji hangs out with Ino a lot, and wasn't he at your house just now..."

"You're more observant than I thought. Did you want to fuck Ino too?"

"Are you going to dodge the question?"

"Fuck Choji. He's scum off of shit and deserves to get fucked in the ass and gag on a dick with his own blood until he throws up while tied up with tears in his eyes begging for it to stop."

"I'm guessing you don't like him?"

"You guessed right."

Cars passed by on the busy street as they passed food vendors and other people walking by from their daily lives. The beating hot sun made itself known as beads of sweat was shed between the two.

"So...did you want to fuck Ino?"

"Yes. Still do actually." As they made it into Gaara's home, he said, "Allow me to introduce to you my brother Kankuro and my sister Temari."

 **Age 19**

Shikamaru was working in a calling center. He didn't move out from Gaara's home, but he did start paying rent and did a lot of the chores.

Shikamaru came home tired and went directly into his room and saw Temari sitting on his bed on the phone with one of her friends.

She then said, "Hey Hidan, I gotta go, freak number two came back. Yeah. Okay, tell Haku I said hi. Okay. Bye."

Shikamaru was on the doorway, not daring to step into his own room. He hated to admit it, but she scared him, and he didn't do well with things that scared him.

Temari was somewhat tolerant of him when she found out he was Gaara's friend. But she's been intolerant of him ever since he moved in. They would bicker over anything and at anytime. She hated how he cleaned the counters, she hated his job, she hated how he smelled of weed, she hated his complaints, etc. She hated him and was very vocal about it.

"Troublesome woman. What are you doing in my room?"

Temari sat up and said, "Oh nothing. I just wanted to talk. You've been here for two years now and I've never seen you contact your folks. What's up buddy?"

"We're not in speaking terms. That's all."

"Hmm, that's too bad. Gaara is getting sent to Suna soon you know."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, that my father chose him out of the three of us to represent his company today. So he's going in a package and being sent all the way back to Suna in a month. Which also means, that you won't have any friends here if you catch my drift."

Shikamaru flinched.

"However, I'm a benevolent person. If we were friends, then I'd have no problem with you living here."

Shikamaru gulped. Temari was an attractive girl by all means, but any trigger that sets him off to that night makes him nauseous and anxious.

With guys or with girls.

His mind was his worst enemy.

"And h-how can I be your friend?"

"Close the door...now."

Shikamaru quickly complied. He saw his arm shaking just slightly. He hated how weak he felt.

"Lock it."

Shikamaru complied bumbling on the lock.

"Take your shirt off."

He complied trying desperately to keep his breathing in check, and his face calm.

"Sit on this bed with me."

She complied rubbing her shoulder next to Temari's warm shoulder.

Temari slowly pressed her lips on his. The saliva being passed from person to person as the wet smooth pieces of flesh made contact with another smooth piece of skin. As she backed away to look at his face one last time, she saw him silently tearing up. He just looked at her with wet lips and wet eyes.

Shikamaru was so scared.

"Woah woah woah, hey kid. If you really don't want to do this you don't have to."

Shikamaru wiped his wet eyes and said, "No, I can do this. I can do this with a girl. That's what a man's gotta do after all."

"Look, I'm used to you being annoying during dinner, but here you're just not making sense."

"I was raped by my best friend."

The usually quiet room was dead silent. Nothing but the sounds of plumbing creaking was heard.

It wasn't said as anything dire, or in desperation. It was just said to clear up any confusion. As if a child who never saw another person have sex with another person, watched a movie and was expected to live with such dilemmas without it being explained at all.

Everyone has different ways of dealing with trauma. Shikamaru, however, has always been calm. He would be the type of person to be raped by his friend and deliver the news with such disinterest. Or maybe it was just an act? Because despite his appearance, mannerisms, platitudes, and presentation, Shikamaru is analytical. Shikamaru knows that it was important to not tell the truth until that very moment. Why? Well Shikamaru is also an enigma. Because he's methodical. Because Shikamaru is calm.

Because Shikamaru was as calm as he could be for being raped by his best friend.

And without voluntary action, Shikamaru's eyes became teary again, and his nose a little runny. It immediately broke the silence of the room bringing everything back to reality. Reality is grim. There's no escape, especially when there is always such constant reminders.

Like how I'm reminded everyday that I'm just watching the sturdy wall crack under pressure.

"He was my best friend. And he raped me when I was nine years old. And I couldn't forget it...no matter what. His touch, his grunts, his smell, everything. That's how my brain works, it doesn't forget anything. It's always so vivid remembering it, so it's hard for me to let it go for a second and continue with my life. He came once from my ass and once from my mouth and he did it while I was tied up in his room while our parents were downstairs. Years passed by and we stopped talking to each other, but we kept going to the same school because our fathers thought it niche. And one day I saw him with another girl and I lost control. I confronted him and he said he didn't want anything to do with that night. Anything to do with me. I tried to appeal to his primal side and told him I'd suck him off if he would just listen, or apologize, or to just acknowledge it. I was just so desperate to talk about it with him, but he walked away from me. So I tried to become the girl he was with if it meant grabbing his attention to that night. Ponytail and piercings. But he couldn't have me anymore. He shouldn't have me anymore. I became friends with this group that was recluse. And we just hanged out doing any type of drug we could get our hands on that week. I didn't understand it then, but we were all the same in that group. Something was wrong with each and every one of us but we couldn't face it. I heard one day that Choji wanted to talk with me out of the blue, so I stole money from my mom's purse, bought a bag of meth, and put it on my bed waiting for my mom to see. We physically argued on the day he came over and I ran away from home and I came here."

Temari sat there listening to the entire thing quietly.

Shikamaru smiled. He gave a small crooked smile, closed his eyes, and began crying again while laughing and sniffing his nose occasionally.

Temari then said, "So are you going to keep running away from your problems!? Holy fuck Shikamaru, why did that feel like I'm the first person you spilled your heart too? I'd be fucking pissed if I was you!"

It was true. Ever since it happened he hasn't told anyone. Not even the school therapist since he hated the word therapist. He found trouble opening up. Even amongst his friends for if his best friend did it, why wouldn't they. It was better to not get close to anybody.

He didn't look for hope anywhere. He accustomed himself to the darkness of the shadows that he found so much comfort in since he was young. But once he was so far in, he couldn't find a way out. Or rather, he didn't even bother looking for a way out.

Shikamaru stayed silent as he saw Temari stand up and walk towards him.

"You spent ten years running from that fucking creep, but that ends tomorrow. We're both going to your house tomorrow and we're both going to get through this! You've suffered more than enough and you don't deserve that! You didn't do anything wrong! It's not your fault. Do you understand me? If it's true that you can't forget memories, then it's time you started making good ones. Ok? I can't tell you to feel better overnight, but if you're hurting then stay with me. I know I'm not comforting, and I treated you like crap, but...it's the least I can do since you finally opened up to someone. And you opened up to me. So thank you."

So here she was offering her hand. Either because she wanted him out of her house, or because she felt bad making him cry it didn't matter. Even though he doesn't know her story, it felt like she understood to a greater extent than he could've ever hoped for.

Shikamaru kissed Temari then and there again. Temari kissed back just as softly and tenderly. She was very understanding.

Shikamaru held her hand and kissed her nose. Temari blushed, but she didn't dare look away from Shikamaru. Their eyes locked. Her tired teal eyes needed his wet chocolate eyes. Even without their tops, they were truly naked under each other's eyes.

Shikamaru was still scared.

Temari's smile reassured him of her promise. The bittersweet affection that they mustered for each other. The snark remarks they spat at each other for two years, and the soft touch they held each in this very moment.

Temari wiped away some of his tears. He put one hand over her shoulder.

Temari made a friend that night.

The next day

 **Age 20**

Shikamaru knocked on the wooden door as anticipation set in. And once it opened, he let out a deep breathe he didn't know he was holding in.

His mother teared up as she embraced her son as tightly as she could. He felt himself tearing up being in his mother's embrace. He knew that the blond behind him would call him a crybaby since that's all he's been doing lately but he didn't care.

Shikamaru sat on the couch with Temari as he said, "Where is dad?"

"He's working. He's drowned himself in his work ever since you left."

Shikamaru squeezed his coffee mug and said, "I see...again, sorry. I..."

"Stop apologizing," Yoshino said, "I'm just glad you're ok."

Shikamaru chuckled, "Umm...this is Temari. She was the one who snapped me out of craziness."

Yoshino then said, "Hello, sorry you had to deal with such an irresponsible young man."

Temari smiled and said, "Oh..no. He was quite the worker after graduating high school. He cleaned and payed rent..."

Shikamaru saw the two talk and smiled.

The next day

Shikamaru knocked on the wooden door as anticipation set in. And once it opened, he let out a deep breathe he didn't know he was holding in.

As the door opened Choji opened the door, "Shikamaru?"

At this Shikamaru punched Choji in his right eye knocking the giant down on his doorstep.

Shikamaru grabbed his own hand in pain and said, "Hey...Choji. Ouch...how's it going?"

Choji took a sharp breathe and said, "I...definitely deserved that..."

Shikamaru extended his red hand to Choji and he took it picking himself up.

Choji then said with one eye open, "I wanted to apologize for everything, you know. I can't imagine what I did to you that night, and how that must have felt like. And I am truly, deeply sorry."

Shikamaru then said, "I think about that night also. And one of the rules is to not hurt each other. And you broke that rule. So I don't think I can trust you anymore after that."

"And I get it. Really. I don't expect you to forgive me, I don't deserve it, and I can't tell you how sorry I am but...if only..."

"Hey Choji," Shikamaru said interrupting Choji.

"Yeah?"

"I don't know if you remember, but before that bloody incident, we watched a movie together. I didn't want to play because I was feeling lazy, but I said if we watched a movie first, then we could play whatever you wanted. And you said ok. So I turned on the DVD player expecting 'Mr. Evils Revenge,' but a porno played instead. And we watched that movie until the very end."

"Yeah, I guess I kinda do."

"Well how different would life have been if that never happened?"

"I...don't know?"

"Yeah, me neither. But it's too late to think about the 'what ifs' in life. We have to just deal with the now that we're given. No point thinking what if. So, I'll accept your apology, but we can never become friends again."

"I...understand."

"That's basically all that I wanted to tell you in middle school."

Shikamaru began walking away to Temari as he held her hand. And they both began to walk towards Shikamaru's old house.

Shikamaru then said, "I don't think I can ever thank you for any of this. I think falling for you was my only right thing to happen in my life."

She looked back at Shikamaru and said, "Of course it was...crybaby."

And that's what could've happened...but it didn't. Why? Because life isn't so happy all the time. It's bitter. It's bitter. It's so bitter. It's bitter. It's bitter. It's bitter. It's too late to think about the 'what ifs' in life. We have to just deal with the now that we're given. No point thinking what if.

Shikamaru gently opened the door. He saw Temari sitting on his bed.

She then said, "Hey Hidan, I gotta go, freak number two came back. Yeah. Okay, tell Haku I said hi. Okay. Bye."

Shikamaru was on the doorway, not daring to step into his own room. He hated to admit it, but she scared him, and he didn't do well with things that scared him. He would shut it out of his mind. It's too overwhelming. He was scared.

"Troublesome woman. What are you doing in my room?"

Temari sat up and said, "Oh nothing. I just wanted to talk. You've been here for two years now and I've never seen you contact your folks. What's up buddy?"

"We're not in speaking terms. That's all," Shikamaru said feeling sick in his stomach. He was extremely dizzy.

"Hmm, that's too bad. Gaara is getting sent to Suna soon you know."

"What do you mean?"

What could she mean? It is going to get worse from now on. He doesn't want it to get worse. It's too traumatizing to that fragile mind. He was too sick to handle this.

"I mean, that my father chose him out of the three of us to represent his company today. So he's going in a package and being sent all the way back to Suna in a month. Which also means, that you won't have any friends here if you catch my drift."

Shikamaru flinched.

Shikamaru almost yelled, "You're...kicking me out?"

She smiled, "Don't take it too hard. Sometimes life fucks you in the ass, and sometimes you just gotta yell 'harder'. I'll give you until the end of the week to pack up before I call the police. Cool?"

Shikamaru looked straight at her and closed the door and bumbled on the lock. He then said looking away from her, "What if I became your friend?"

Temari scowled and said, "Hidan will always be more of a man than you'll ever be. Now move out of the way."

Shikamaru looked at her, but wasn't looking at her and said, "I'm a man. Not a troublesome woman like you. I'm more of a man than anyone!"

Shikamaru quickly walked up to Temari as she quickly tried to stand, but he pushed her back into his bed. She kicked and squirmed, but he didn't let go of his hold on her wrists.

He then put his face in between her breast. She felt him forcefully invade her warm chest as his body weight was resting on hers. She then yelled, "Hey, stop! This isn't funny!"

She was slowly starting to overpower him, but then he bit her nipple through her bra. She squirmed losing strength.

"Stop, seriously! Stop!"

He then felt her hands shaking. She was still trying to kick him without momentum and her teeth were clenched as her face reddened.

She then felt his warm mouth roughly brush against her neck. She could've sworn his wet spongy tongue might've bruised her neck at that point. And then she felt his teeth against her neck as he bit into her soft flesh. The pain alone made her cry out as his body was on top of hers.

He looked at her as she was engulfed by his shadow.

He then let go of one of her wrist and pulled her skirt down in one motion. She tried to push him off with her free arm, but her strength was failing her. She's never felt so weak.

"Shikamaru, please don't do this, please," she muttered a bit frightened but he didn't listen. He wasn't even here anymore. His mind was somewhere else. He then pulled down her black underwear and saw a clit covered in yellow hair for the first time in his life.

He then said in a calm eerie voice, "I was raped by my best friend."

Temari freaked out.

She saw him pull down his pants and boxer shorts with his free hand so smoothly revealing an erect penis dripping in pre cum. Time stood still at that moment. The air was still. The dead calm before the disastrous storm. And without voluntary action, Shikamaru's eyes became teary again, and his nose a little runny. It immediately broke the silence of the room bringing everything back to reality. Reality is grim. There's no escape, especially when there is always such constant reminders. He looked at her and said, "He was my best friend."

The second his head touched the entrance to her vagina, Temari frantically said, "This isn't right! Shikamaru! I can help you but you need to stop right now."

His wet brown eyes met with her scared teal eyes.

And then he forcefully thrust inside of her. His shaft roughly hit her so hard her entire body was pushed up. He then began to rape Temari with his wet veiny rod pounding her red fucking cunt in rhythm to her rapid heart beat. Never has he been this predacious. He looked at Temari as she was trying to scream but couldn't. She would only mutter 'no' as he continued to violate her genital area.

The sound of wet genitals slapping each other in rhythm to a drummer beating his drum in tempo, or the galloping of a horse. The squeak of the mattress in unison to the pounding flesh. And the whispers of a desperate girl trying to shout 'no'.

To her embarrassment she pissed herself. Her brain was hurting as he tightened his grip on her one wrist. She felt herself getting lightheaded as her smell permeated the air.

She didn't want this. This feeling of being penetrated, violated, and weakness. The feeling of his meaty rod entering inside her wet cunt as his stick filled every space possible inside her tight hole. The bite mark on her neck was still in pain, and the bite on her right nipple still lingered. His grunts would make itself pronounced everytime she felt his hard dick twitch inside of her.

He then went down to kiss her. But as he did, she bit his lower lip as hard as she could tearing the skin as he pulled back. He stopped thrusting and let go of her wrist to hold on to his bloody lip. She smiled through wet eyes and said in a shrill meek voice, "Consider that payback, you fucker."

He looked at her as he began humping her again getting blood on her shirt. She was feeling her skin being pulled in and out from her clit getting faster and faster until he pulled out and came so hard that it reached her face.

Now the air smelled of piss, blood, and cum.

She then finally found the strength to pull herself out from under him and, with her skirt still around one of her ankles, curled herself up at the edge of his bed.

Shikamaru only said, "You should call the police. People like me deserve it."

He pulled out a cigarette and put it on his bloody lip as he lit it, and Temari finally understood what he meant by that statement.

Temari made a friend that night.

Authors note: Good thing I didn't add anything depraved like hand holding, huh?

Anyways, sorry it's been a whole year since I've posted another story. I have a hundred of stories I'm working on, but none of them have endings because life doesn't have endings, you know?...and I'm lazy. Then I come back and the only story I've bothered to finish is a rape fic...nice. Anyways, hopefully next year I'll finish a more vanilla fic.

 **Any critiques, advise, concerns? Feel free to PM me! (I'm still figuring out how it works)**

Have a nice day


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